This is my first attempt at blogging. A dear friend of mine told me it was therapeutic, and enthusiastically encouraged me to participate. So I’m just going to start with a free write about how I feel today. Here goes……..
At this point my existence is extremely unfulfilling. I struggle continuously to determine the reason. I constantly attempt to assign blame to my circumstances, but as my circumstances change these feelings remain. I wonder if it is the result of a flawed character. A mental or emotional deficiency inherited by way of some genetic glitch. If by some strange twist of fate, I was born without the intellectual software to process these feelings of unhappiness that continually affect my decision making. I can’t help but believe that somewhere, deep inside the crawl space under the fortress of invincibility that have constructed in my mind, lies the truth about me. I have spent the better part of my adolescent and adult life attempting to excavate the questions to the answers that I already have. My existence is a strange dichotomy, a paradox of sorts. To be me is to have all power of mind and body. To posses the skill of a master carpenter, without the ability to use it effectively. It is to be an artist of the most exquisite command of every medium, yet unable to complete a single piece. This to me is worse than being conceived without favor. It is a far more severe sentence than the unblessed soul born of no talent. When an obvious lack of ability is your birthright, you have cleverly dodged the curse of expectation. You have been afforded the opportunity to bathe in the bliss of mediocrity comforted by the blanket of your own contentment. How ungrateful I must sound that I consider the gifts that the creator so thoughtfully bestowed upon me, without any warranting action I might add, a curse. How vain am I to attempt to solicit pity from any soul, for what most would undoubtedly consider a gift. I agree. However, this is how I unapologetically feel. Sometimes.
